New Blog Address...

Hi faithful readers. I have a new blog address:

http://tonydeyo.wordpress.com/


It's not because I wasn't happy with Blogger... it's just that WordPress has an application that I can use to create blog posts right from my iPhone.

td

Magic?

I'm extremely allergic to shellfish. It's not a life threatening allergy... my throat doesn't swell up or anything, but I do throw up... a lot. Yesterday, at a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, I accidentally ate a crab dumpling. I thought it was pork. It tasted like pork. I didn't get sick. There are only two possibilities for why this happened.


#1) There was way more rat meat in the dumpling than crab.

or...

#2) My plan to drown the toxins with pumpkin pie and eggnog succeeded.

I really hope it's the second one.

Krispy Kreme Burger...

Yep... it's a burger. With an egg on top of it. And bacon. Oh yeah, and instead of a bun... it's inside two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Not only do you deserve the heart attack, but now I'm rooting for it.

Chicken Nugget Wedding Cake...

Sometimes you just deserve the heart attack...

Sign...

This might have been the nicest way they could have conveyed this information.

Things I've Learned in NYC... #3

Something you find in the city, that you rarely find in the suburbs, are a type of people they call "hipsters". I didn't know what they were... and I'm still not sure I do... but the best definition I can come up with is someone who is so inexplicably proud of their Goodwill Store clothing purchases, they just have to grow a funny mustache. They're always wearing some wacky hat, a 70's button down or extra small t-shirt, and a giant handlebar mustache. Maybe a fu manchu. There's always weird facial hair of some sort. Where were these guys when I was in middle school? They could have saved me from some beatings. Who wants to punch the band nerd when you can wedgie a 12 year old in a fedora?

Los Angeles has once again proven itself the intellectual center of the universe. In an effort to be environmentally conscious, tanning salons in LA have begun introducing solar-powered tanning beds. Unfortunately, God patented that idea about 14 billion years ago. He called it "the outside".



In their defense, they do realize this is a ridiculous idea. They explain it by saying they are "the sun's middle man".

Wow.

Why Not?

It's 2:30 am... you're on the subway... why not a little Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots?

Anything but that...

Two dozen kids who trashed the former house of Robert Frost must take classes in his poetry as part of their punishment.

I imagine Robert Frost would be immensely pleased to find out that his poetry is now considered punishment.

Just plain vanilla please...

PETA has urged Ben & Jerry's to begin using breast milk instead of cow's milk in their ice cream. The company has agreed to try this, and founder Ben Cohen announced that the first flavor of this experiment will be Giant Melons.

The worst idea ever?

A few weeks ago, Careyanne and I went to a happy hour that was held on the roof of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  It was amazing.  There were a few art pieces up there... including the giant balloon doggy,

you could look out across Central Park from an amazing vantage point... but most importantly, you could drink.  And I did.  When you're done, you can wander through the museum... which is cool... unless you're drunk... and I was.  Now I'm meandering amongst some of the worlds greatest treasures... and I'm hammered.  This is a bad, bad combination.  I didn't break anything priceless... but I could have.  I could have literally rubbed my face on a Van Gogh.  This is how close I was... I took this picture with my iPhone...

There were no security ropes to keep me at a safe distance from the paintings.

I think there should be a fireman's pole for your exit from the museum happy hour.  Beer to street with no opportunity for destruction.  Maybe a giant inflatable slide right from the roof, with a sign that says "Caution... watch for falling drunks."

No room at the inn...

One of the great things about being a comedian in NYC, is that you can go into any comedy club, tell them you're a comedian, and they let you sneak into the club and watch the show. Last night was the first time it didn't work.

Chess Boxing...

Chess boxing seems to be gaining popularity in Europe.  

Yes... chess boxing.

I know what you're thinking.  "Chess boxing couldn't possibly be what it sounds like."

It's exactly what it sounds like.  The greatest strategy game of all time, sprinkled with a healthy dash of violence.

There couldn't be a better example of two sports that shouldn't be combined.  I was in the chess club... and I was in it for a reason.  Punches to the face make me cry.

No, no, no, no... okay sure.

Dear Rental Car Company Counter Employees, 

A couple of things...

1) I do not want your insurance.  If you ask me four times and I say "no" four times, this is your cue not to ask me a fifth time.

2) Until gas stations cease to exist, I can fill up the car myself before returning it.  Your threats to charge me $12 a gallon do not scare me.

Thank you.

Best financial advice ever...

In light of America's recent troubles, the best financial advice ever:

I'm back...

... and better than ever.  Maybe?  Who knows.  But I am back.  It was a long and busy summer of writing marching band shows... and a couple weeks of decompressing... or what I call being lazy.

Let's kick it all off with the weirdest thing I saw today:

I have no idea... and I tried to figure it out.  Couldn't.  Nearest I can guess, when he's running people over, he wants you to feel like a matador.

Olé!

Just like God intended...

Summers are a busy time for me. Meals have to be quick... but I don't want to sacrifice nutrition. So, that's why I picked up a package of Velveeta's Rotini & Cheese with broccoli. Easy... like macaroni and cheese should be... and nutritious... like broccoli should be. I usually like my vegetables raw... like God intended... but I have to make a few sacrifices in the summer.

The broccoli came in an envelope.

And not even a big envelope... an envelope a little smaller than the one I get stamps in. If your vegetables show up in an envelope, don't skip the workout that day. You're going to need it.

I guess what upsets me the most is that the packaging makes it seem like you're really going to get a pile of broccoli. Other than "Velveeta", it's the biggest font on there... even bigger than Rotini and Cheese. That's misleading. It should be:

Velveeta
Rotini & Cheese
with a smidge of broccoli dust

No thanks... I'm busy.

It amuses me to think that about 4 million nerds will be staying home tonight to play with the new iPhone update.  I'm equally amused by the fact that if I weren't already swamped with other stuff, I'd be one of them.

At least he traveled well...

Flight delay at LaGuardia that will cause me to miss my connecting flight:
- Stress equivalent of 2 days off of my life

Getting rebooked on another flight, but having to get luggage pulled from the first plane and take a shuttle to a completely different airport and start the entire process again:
- 4 weeks off of my life

Bumper to bumper traffic all the way to JFK, leaving me just under an hour to check in and clear security at one of the busiest airports in the world:
- 7 months off of my life


Getting bumped up to first class:
- Totally worth dying early for

I won!

Over the years, I've joined a few mailing lists for comedy clubs that I like... to keep up with who's performing there. Occasionally, the clubs use these lists to give away tickets to shows they don't think will sell out... but they pretend like it's some sort of contest that you've won. This past week, I was the big winner. I won 10 tickets to see myself. I hardly ever win anything, so I decided to go.



Even though I won the tickets, I still have to buy two drinks. So all I can say is... I better be good.

The Sidekick...

Here's a video that my buddy Andy Hendrickson and I put together...

Things I've Learned in NYC... #2

When you have the idea, "Hey... I think I'll pop into Central Park to catch the free NY Philharmonic concert"... 100,000 other people had the same idea. The only difference is, their idea included the phrase "and let's not show up at 7:55 or we'll have really crappy seats."

Even sitting behind 100,000 people... it was a great concert. The cymbal playing was flawless. And yes, I'm nerd enough to notice.

Don't tell anyone...

Modest Mouse had a secret show this week.  I had a public school education... which I blame completely for teaching me the wrong definition for "secret".  Apparently, "secret" means you tell everyone you possibly can about it... and have posters made up.

So... I'm headlining two secret shows next week at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, MI. 

Shout my secret from the rooftops.

Me too...

Well... it's Last Comic Standing season again. You hear a lot of comedians use that in their intro. "You may have seen this next guy on Last Comic Standing"... but I have to tell you something... most of them are lying. Well, maybe not lying... but they're really testing the boundaries of truth. Most of the comics saying this... were seen on Last Comic Standing... but they were "seen" while standing in line to audition. One sweeping camera shot of the audition line... and suddenly 500 people have been "seen on Last Comic Standing." I'm not trying to piss on their resumé, but there were homeless dudes in line when I auditioned... they thought there might be doughnuts inside... they were "seen on Last Comic Standing". If this counts as a television credit, my wife has been seen on Late Night with Conan O'Brien... and I'm pretty sure I walked my dog past the Today Show last week. My cocker spaniel has a better television resumé than I do.

Don't even look at me...

I love TiVo... but it has really added a new challenge to life. I couldn't watch the U.S. Open playoff on Monday, so I recorded it. But it was a gigantic story that I knew everyone was paying attention to... and it was all over the news. So for about 8 hours yesterday, I had to essentially cut myself off from the world. No internet, no phone, no TV. I didn't even want to accidentally hear someone talking about it... so I had to have my iPod on all day. New York adds an additional challenge as well. There are entire buildings here that are essentially giant, flat-screen TV's. You'll just be walking along... it looks like a normal building... then BOOM! Eight stories of Matt Lauer. So I walked along with my head down and my iPod on... I looked like a very troubled man.

In the end, I did manage to avoid hearing the results before I watched it for myself... but I had to be way more neurotic than I normally like to be. Mild to medium neurotic I can handle... crazy neurotic just doesn't suit me well.

Internet Week...

What would we do if this forward-thinking city had not taken a week to bring attention to such a long-ignored cause?

Please stop hitting me

I got to play the Wii game system this past week for the first time.  The good news... it's amazing.  The bad news... it's possible for a 34 year old man to get beat in boxing by a 12 year old girl.  So I went into Wii training... the speed bag, dodging punches, throwing punches... and then I got beat again.  It doesn't get much more humiliating than that.

Your bananas are doing what?

There's really only one very specific type of bar that should be selling a drink called Bumpin' Bananas... and it's not the Marriott Pool Bar at Hilton Head Island.

Let me guess... Tony?

I decided to go to an alumni happy hour for my alma mater... James Madison University. The first disappointment was that I was the oldest person there... by about a decade. I'm not that old... but at the happy hour, I was. The second disappointment was that I realized very quickly that I had very little in common with these people other than our diploma having the same logo... and somewhat similar zip codes on our electric bills. It's a lot like being in room where everyone has the same first name as you do. There's only so much "So, your name is Tony too?" before you realize that you have precious little else in common with them.

But in conclusion... go Dukes.

Keep moving kids... nothing to see here

Today, I stopped to watch a group of kids on a school field trip. I was just outside of the NY Public Library... and I thought that was a great place to bring them. It's one of America's grandest public structures... amazing architecture... and a mind-blowing collection of information. And as I watched them, I saw them walk around the corner... and walk straight past... without any of the chaperones even pointing a finger in the direction of the library.

Outstanding.

Hopefully they were going someplace even more educational... like the Applebee's in Times Square. I hear that they have an amazing Fried Chicken Salad.

Aaaaahhh... relaxation.

The natural stress cure that every woman needs... a large jungle cat. Nothing soothes the soul like a fight for your life with one of God's most efficient killing machines.

And zingo was his name, oh.

Sometimes you make big decisions in life, and then later... you wonder if it was the right decision. Moving to NYC is not one of those. I was recently reminded of how New York fits us so much better than North Carolina. While trying to figure out where to return my NC license plates, I ran across the North Carolina DMV's "Frequently Asked Questions" list. This is the 2nd question on the list:

"Walked out to my car this morning and zingo (!) my license plates, both front and back, were gone. I suspect it was the work of some local hooligans. What should I do now?"

First of all, I didn't even know "zingo" was a word. Secondly, I didn't know you could throw an exclamation point into the middle of a sentence just to add emphasis. And thirdly, do people really still say "hooligans"? And are they saying it so often, that it needs to be the second question on the Frequently Asked Questions list?

Don't believe me?

http://www.dmv.org/nc-north-carolina/license-plate-faqs.php


Incidentally, the first question was concerning the appropriate procedure after swerving to miss a skunk, hitting a tree stump, and bending your front license plate in half "like a beach towel over a tree stump." Apparently North Carolina also has frequently used analogies.

Breathe in... Part II

When asked what record he was going to try to break on Oprah, David Blaine replied, "I'm going to hold my breath."  Coincidentally, this is exactly the opposite of what people should do while waiting for his career to become interesting again.

I'll take 35 pounds of it...

I'm fascinated by competitive eating. I can't decide whether it's because of how insulting it is to the billion or so people in the world who don't get enough to eat, or just because of how stupid it is. I don't think I can compile the idiocy of the "sport" into one post, so I'll try to break it up into several asinine nuggets of trivia. Today, we'll start with a quote from the bio of Joey Chestnut... one of the IFOCE's featured eaters.

"This rookie roared onto the scene in 2005 with a breakout performance in asparagus."


I imagine that's all I need to say on that one.

Don't sneeze...

I had the opportunity to perform in Mathews, VA, this past weekend with my good friend, Brett Leake. I had a lot of fun, and want to thank Brett for allowing me to perform with him.

I also want to thank the engineer who designed the bridge I had to drive across to get there. This is the Rappahannock River Bridge near White Stone, VA.

It's two miles long... about 10 feet wide... two lanes... and the guardrail is exactly as tall as it appears in the photo... about 2 1/2 feet. And if that weren't frightening enough already... the lanes are separated by a dotted line. That's right... you can pass. How can this possibly be up to code? What was the meeting like with the engineer?

"Alright Mr. Bridge Man... we need a bridge... and we have a few requests. First of all, tax dollars are tight here... so don't be too generous with the lanes. This ain't no carnival ride."

"Okay... no problem. With close lanes though, certainly you'll want a nice, tall guardrail."

"Bare minimum. Figure out what's illegal... then one millimeter above that."

Breathe in...

I think when people tell me they can't imagine having to ride on subways in NYC, this is what they imagine it's like.



Crowded Japanese Train

Is that possum I smell?

No... whitetail sex scent.

Hunters never cease to fascinate me. Apparently if you want to kill an animal, it doesn't hurt to smell like their junk. I think the greatest thing about this whitetail sex scent... is that if you read carefully, you'll see it doesn't "freeze, spill, or wash away." So, so sweet. I think at this point, when you've decided that you don't need the smell of humping deers to wash off... you've checked out of society for good.

Deer poon... available at the animal-sex fragrance counter of a hunting store near you.

No Vote For You...

Washington D.C. feels like it is not represented in Congress... because they don't have 2 senators of their own. Technically, they're right. But let's face it... Washington D.C. is a city... and not a very big one either. By my research, it's the 27th biggest city in the U.S... behind such cities as El Paso, Milwaukee, and even Louisville, KY. If you get your own vote in Congress, guess what... so does Columbus, OH.

Honestly, you probably would have been given a vote in Congress many years ago, but a quick gander at your past voting record shows that maybe you're not quite ready to be swaying the vote of our legislature. You elected a crackhead for a mayor. Once... we could have let it slide... but you elected him twice. You can't be totally cool with your mayor doing crack... and still have a legitimate claim to representation. It's the same reason we don't let kindergartners vote. You can't crap your pants, and then demand a vote in Congress. We let you "play city" by giving you a mayor... you should consider yourself lucky.

All Work and No Play...

This past week, I had the opportunity to perform in Albion, MI, for the Albion College Jewish Organization at their Purim celebration.  Why would they have me perform at this Jewish function?  That's a good question to ask the agent who booked me and told them I was Jewish, but forgot to tell me.  I did have a good time at Albion though... and I want to thank them for having me.  

I also want to thank them for housing me on-campus at the gigantic, creepy, 150 year old mansion... Belmont Manor.  First of all, any place with "manor" in the name is haunted... end of story.  This place, I'm sure, was no exception... but I didn't stick around to find out.  Why?  Because I was going to be the only person in the whole place for the entire night.  It was huge... and there was not a single other soul around.  No internet, no television, and no phone.  Just me and my overactive imagination.

"We love our guests here at Albion so much, we'd like to treat you to a night of terror.  Welcome to The Shining."

As soon as I got back from the show, I packed up and drove to a hotel in Ann Arbor.  As I was walking out of the "Manor", I'm pretty sure I heard someone say "Leaving so soon?"

Crickets... on purpose.

Sometimes you run across an idea so brilliant, it stops you in your tracks.  Recently, I was reading the bio for a "comedy duo".  Now, I know what you're thinking... comedy duos usually suck.  You're right... they do usually suck, but keep reading.  The bio of this comedy duo included the following line... "they never shy away from awkward silence."  Since I'm a comedian, I'll translate this for you.  This is comedy-speak for "We're probably going to bomb.  There will be many, many jokes that won't even remotely work... and we're going to pretend that this is what we wanted to happen."  They're marketing themselves as horrible comedians... telling you that they're awful... and want you to think this is on purpose.  Seriously... brilliant.

Completely unrelated... my buddy and I just shot a short sketch last week, and we should have it edited and online soon.  In it, I don't shy away from being a crappy actor.  That's a choice I made... that's the way I wanted it to be.

Now I feel better...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't land a high-five.  If these two NBA players can't even manage it, what chance do I have?  They're paid millions a year for their hand-eye coordination.  With the exception of their pinkies, they almost whiffed.

Why does the world hate us?

Oh yeah... now I remember.  Seven year olds getting pedicures.

Things I've Learned in NYC: #2

Sometimes information about the N train that you ride everyday, is intended only for people who speak and read one of the many eastern languages.

I hope it doesn't say, "There's a gas leak on the N train... don't get on."

Tom... I'm afraid it is a little unusual

Tom Jones has insured his chest hair for $7 million.  At 67 years old, just what exactly did he think might happen to it?  Might he lose it all in a series of small brush fires?

Last Douchebag Standing...

Here's why I'm not going to be standing in line for an audition for this season's "Last Comic Standing". This is from an ad on Craig's List:

We are casting Last Comic Standing and we need more visual comedy.

Casting Funny Wacky people. We want people who are going to make us laugh. Do you have a wacky thing you do? Are you funny? Are you wacky? We are casting Last Comic Standing and we need more visual comedy.

Do you have a costume? Do you juggle? Do you have props or a special act? How are you going to make us laugh?

For a show that purports to find America's best stand-up comic, it does everything but that. I'm not in any way inferring that I'm that person... but for every "comic" that's on the show... there are a thousand extremely smart, funny comics that just weren't "wacky" enough.

Now where's my Batman costume and juggling hankerchiefs?

Unnecessary for geniuses...

I didn't know they came any other way.

Best parent ever... or worst?

I was wandering through the Atlanta airport a few days ago and came upon what appeared to be a child that had been left alone. What it turned out to be was a child that was watching his mother through the glass aquarium doors of the airport smoker's lounge. On the one hand, this mother was so concerned about the quality of the air that her child was breathing, she made sure not to subject him to those toxins. On the other hand, momma gotta burn one off so bad, I'll leave you outside this room for a bit while I sit in here and slowly kill myself. What do you think?

In the style of...

As if a regular Kenny G CD wasn't bad enough already.

I wonder if an unknown rapper could put out CD's "in the style of 50 Cent"?

Family heirloom...

Sharper Image Turbo-Groomer

The premier men's lighted grooming tool just got sleeker. Introducing the handsome, high-torque Turbo-Groomer®

The LEDs last 110,000 hours — or several lifetimes of nose-hair trimming!



Really? Several lifetime's of nose-hair trimming? What do they think it is... an antique credenza? I'm not going to pass it down from generation to generation.

My kind of medal...

This is one of my brother's medals he received from the Army. I can only assume you're awarded this one when you show someone your pimp hand.

WGA Strike...

It's hard to believe, but as ridiculous as this sketch is... the numbers he's using are the actual numbers that came with the studio offer.

Things I've Learned in NYC: #1

This is not a time-lapse photo... nor an accident. I've seen signs lit exactly this way all over NY. I think it means "You can walk... but I wouldn't if I were you."

The new King of Queens

After deciding to post my writing calendar online, and telling people to berate me if I don't write every day, I promptly took 4 weeks off. Although it's still an excuse, I think it's a decent one... Careyanne and I moved to NYC. It came about fairly quickly because we really didn't expect to sell the house in NC as fast as we did... especially in this market. But we did... and we had to move quick. I'm glad it happened that way though... we're able to spend Christmas in NYC... which is pretty amazing. Last week, we watched the Rockefeller tree get lit... and I highly recommend it. Pictures and TV do it no justice.

To go?

Nah... I don't need the bag. I'm just going to use them right here.

Special thanks to my friend Sarah Allen for the picture... although you can tell it was taken from a moving car. I'm not sure why she wouldn't want to stop, get out, make sure the focus was right... wait for the lighting to be perfect, and snap a wonderful keepsake photo of "Condoms To Go."

WGA Strike...

This little video does a pretty good job of explaining the Writer's Guild of America strike.

Don't Break the Chain!

It's no secret that I'm a big fan of Jerry Seinfeld. Earlier this summer, I ran across an article where he mentioned his secret for becoming a great comedian (writing every day), and how he motivated himself to do this... with a large calendar. You can read the article yourself here, or I'll just give you the Cliff's Notes. He put a big calendar on his wall and every day that he wrote, he put a big red X on it. Once you have a string of several days with X's... you're more motivated to keep going because you don't want to break the chain. Someone put together a website where you could keep your own calendar and X out days for whatever you're trying to stay motivated for. I'm going to use it the same way Seinfeld did... to make myself write every day. I've also decided that I will post my calendar here on the blog... for the whole world to check up on me. If you see that I've missed a day, feel free to e-mail me and berate me for being a lazy, worthless sack of monkey dung. Remind me that if I keep this up, I can look forward to a long career of middling at whatever random Chuckle Hut happens to be serving drinks. Be merciless... it's the only way.

AIG = Hypocrite

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXIfU-87TZo

I love this commercial for AIG. The laughing kid is adorable... and the fact that AIG believes laughing can add several years to your life is great. My problem though, is that AIG is the very company that just one week ago denied me for disability insurance... a guy who makes people laugh for a living. Incidentally, I'm as healthy as I've ever been... just had a great physical... low cholesterol, great blood work... couldn't be healthier. Still denied. So, to recap:

Laughing: Extends life

Providing laughter: Uninsurable


Suck it AIG.

Holy Trinity of Nerdom...

I'm working with Costaki Economopoulos and Mike Bobbitt in South Bend, IN this week. The Funny Bone here is a wonderful comedy club... and great at booking comedians that compliment each other's style. So much so, they managed to put the three nerdiest comedians on their roster together this week. I've been finishing up some marching band shows from this summer... Mike's cell phone rings with the Imperial March from Star Wars (double nerd points for me b/c I know that)... and Costaki's been talking on the phone with his fantasy football nerds discussing a trade that could affect him for the next 7 or 8 years... in his fantasy league. Costaki would like to argue that because his hobby involves football, he's not as nerdy... but if your hobby includes the word "fantasy"... you're a nerd.


www.costaki.com

www.mikeypooh.com


Both very funny guys.

ESPN Pigskin Pick'em

Ryan Conner asked me to join his NFL pick'em league this season. I'm honored. I also don't know a thing about football. I watch the Superbowl... and by "watch", I mean "eat food at someone else's house". Apparently though, that fact has zero to do with how well you perform at this contest. I'm now ranked 16th in the country... in the 100th percentile.

Suck it football nerds.

George Thorogood

George Thorogood captures the title as first celebrity to see my show. He was super cool... and told me that he always wanted to be a comedian... which is kind of ironic, because I always wanted to be in a rock band. Apparently we're both huge failures.

www.georgethorogood.com

Right on time...

Karma never misses an appointment... ever. Just after writing that last blog entry about the bikers in Reno being doctors, lawyers, and accountants playing dress up... I had to perform to a room full of hard corps bikers. The Hell's Angels were in there... and I'm not even kidding a little bit. That show reminded me that this is not the first, second, or even third time that I've been booked to perform at biker week, and/or a biker bar. This is the 4th time. With that in mind, I'm going to compose an open letter to comedy bookers:



Dear Comedy Bookers...

Let me start off by saying that I really do appreciate all of the work you give me. With that out of the way, I've got a small gripe. I've spent the better part of my comedy career... and by "better part" I mean all of it... trying to be as clean and unoffensive of a comic as possible. It's working out pretty well... for the most part. The only wrench in the works, seems to be when you guys keep booking me for biker conventions. These guys are big, loud, and wear leather. I'm small, quiet, and wear a button down shirt. They are not what I expect when I walk into a comedy club... and I am certainly not what they expect when they pay 17 bucks to see a biker week comedian. For the enjoyment of all, let's save me for the teacher conventions and similar low-testosterone affairs.

Thank you for your kind consideration.

Tony "Four Wheels" Deyo

Reno, NV

Sorry for the long absence. Summer's a busy time for me.

I'm in Reno this week... along with about 8 jillion motorcyclists for biker week. Pretty cool... till you want to make a phone call. Impossible. Don't call me this week. I was worried about performing for biker week, but I've come to realize that Harley-Davidsons are so expensive now, you can't afford one unless you're an accountant or company VP. So exactly my kind of mild-mannered crowd. It's funny to think that most of these people are just playing dress-up. You can even tell that some of the tattoos are fake.

This week was one of those full circle moments you have in life. The club I'm working at is Catch A Rising Star. Catch is a legendary club that's been around a long, long time. It also happens to be the very first comedy club I ever went to... as an audience member. I went to a show at Catch about 9 years ago in Las Vegas. Now I'm working here. Pretty sweet.

Adios eggs and fruit...

Fantastic news... Sonic is now open at 6:00 am. More fantastic news... the entire menu is available at 6:00 am.

Here's my new morning routine:

- 6:30 Roll out of bed

- 6:35 Let the dog out

- 6:45 Start eating french fries

Nothing beats a footlong coney at the crack of dawn.

Good stuff...

I've been super busy the last several weeks, barely even getting out of the house... hence, the world hasn't annoyed me enough to inspire any new blog posts. But I know I have a very loyal following that I cannot bore... so I'll post something interesting.

My friend Mark Malkoff is crazy. Good crazy in my mind... but crazy nonetheless. He gets these obsessions stuck in his head... and can't let go of them until they're accomplished. The latest... to visit every Starbucks in Manhattan in one day. Here's a short documentary of the day.




Definitely crazy. If you want to see other things he's done, check out his website at:

MarkMalkoff.com

The Ferris Wheel video is also extremely funny.

Pretty sweet...

I'm on Comedy Central's website now.

Check it out:

Comedy Central Comedians: Tony Deyo

Life just keeps getting better. I've recently found out that I can now get my groceries from Amazon.com. This is great news... because just yesterday, I was thinking that although I'm causing a small amount of pollution and global warming by driving to the store... how can I really amp up my own carbon footprint? Answer... having groceries flown in.

Here's a picture of my peanut butter landing at Greensboro International Airport.

Mr. Bookworm...

Why yes Mr. Bookworm... that IS the best word.

It doesn't get better than this...

If happiness comes in the form of non-stick bakeware, I have indeed found nirvana. Every piece of brownie has two edges.

There's hope for America yet.

Aspen slideshow...

Some photos from my trip to HBO's U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, CO.

Immortalized in Decoupage

I've recently discovered a new level of stand-up comedy fame that I didn't even know existed. As I was working in Tampa, FL, I noticed that there was a newspaper article on the wall that was mounted on wood and coated with a clear, plastic-like lacquer. This is known in the craft world as "decoupage". Normally I wouldn't have thought much about it... but amidst a sea of standard, run-of-the-mill headshots in crappy black frames, this decoupaged article really stood out. And the best part is that the article was about my friend, Brett Leake. In that little comedy club in Tampa, FL... Brett Leake has been immortalized in decoupage. Before seeing that, I was content for my headshot to occupy the same 8" x 10" space as all the others, but now there's a new level to be attained. Time to add a line to the long-term goal list... I want my headshots lacquered.

It's go time!

It's not every day that you get a package from Comedy Central. As much as I hoped it was a notarized letter proclaiming me the funniest person on earth, it was not to be. They did tell me, though, that I made it to the regional finals of their Open Mic Fight competition. I made it in with 71 other comics from around the country. I hope there's no actual fighting that takes place. I like to think of my comedy as more like Gandhi and less like the Iron Sheik.

Open Mic Fight


P.S. If you were interested in sending me fan mail, but noticed that I grayed out my address on the picture above, please send all correspondence c/o:

Tony Deyo
77 Unbelievably Funny Road
Hilarioustown, NY 71634

NYC...

I visited my buddy and writing partner Andy Hendrickson in NYC a few weeks back. Just a couple of pictures today from the trip. Thanks to Mark Malkoff for getting us in to meet Stephen Colbert and watch a taping of The Colbert Report... and to Rob Cantrell for getting us in to his Chronic Comedy show at Comix.



www.markmalkoff.com

www.robcantrell.com

Gargoyles are imminent...

Let's see, painting the nursery... done. Assembling the crib... done. Making a plaster cast of my pregnancy boobs, painting them bronze, dressing it all up like it's a Vegas showgirl and hanging it on the nursery wall... so done.

That poor kid is going to wake up and think he's at the Bunny Ranch.

Now, I know I've been a little hard on pregnant people before. I realize that it's just the hormonal imbalance that makes them do such asinine things. Maybe I've even been unnecessarily harsh. Maybe it's not moronic to have an update on how long you've been breast feeding attached to every single e-mail that leaves your computer. I might be wrong on that one. Maybe you're not a pompous douchebag for sending people copies of your sonogram pictures. I could be wrong on that one too. People probably want to see digital snapshots of the inside of your lady business. And maybe I'm even wrong on this one. I'm starting to think that making a naked plaster cast of yourself isn't such a bad idea. In fact, I'm going to make four plaster casts of my man junk, and mount them on the corners of my roof like gargoyles. Maybe they'll scare away crazy pregnant people.

And he said unto thee, wear bling.

I bet Proverbs 31 says "Forget about giving money to the needy... adorn yourself with diamonds and gold." I wonder how many kids lost their arms for those diamonds?

The nerds are really starting to annoy me...

Okay... so they solved this amazing problem. Great... I'm impressed... you should even brag about it a little bit. But don't insult my intelligence by insinuating that I might not know how to pronounce a letter and a number when put together.

Proverbs...

"You ain't gotta use force... but you've gotta project strength."
- Old gangster proverb

"You don't have to take a beating... but you've gotta run fast."
- Old nerd proverb

Yummy, yummy... for my tummy

The thing I love most about America is our insanely adept ability at solving problems. Take for instance, this one. Obesity has become an epidemic in America. The problem, though, is that it hasn't quite reached the epidemic level of, say, the plague. And America should be the best at everything... including killing ourselves slowly with food. So... how do we add more fat to our diets? Breakfast, lunch and dinner are already packed to the rafters with fat and calories. It seems there's nowhere else to go. Oh well... I guess we'll just have to go on living with our embarrassing little epidemic just the way it is. Or, we could call in Taco Bell... purveyor of nutrient-starved meals... and now, master problem solver.



And now the rest of the world hates us just a little more.

Thanks Taco Bell.

USCAF - Day Four

This was a pretty easy day. I planned on sleeping in, but it didn't happen. Apparently it was my turn to not sleep well. Andy and I went into town to see a screening of Jamie Kennedy's movie-in-progress, "Heckler". It was pretty funny seeing a lot of comics tell their worst heckler stories... and funny to see Jaime confront some of the hecklers after a show.

We tried to get tickets to the Q&A with the cast of "Entourage", but it was way sold out. Then we missed the Daniel Tosh and Marc Maron show b/c we were 3 minutes late and they wouldn't let us in. I'm used to comedy clubs seating people 45 minutes late for a show, so I didn't think about the possibility of the festival being slightly more stringent. So, kind of slow end to the day... but it was nice to relax a little. Plus, the weather had finally cleared up a bit. It was the first day since we had arrived that it wasn't snowing. We got a couple pictures with Fred Armisen and Nick Swardson that evening at the St. Regis.

It was an unbelievable week in Aspen, and an incredible opportunity that I never thought I would have. I learned a lot about how the industry works, and met some extremely talented people that I hope I'll be able to work with again soon.

Check out my photo slideshow in the video section of my website.

USCAF - Day Three

Today was a super-long day. Luckily, I've been sleeping pretty well. The consensus from the rest of the comics was the exact opposite. Nerves maybe. Nine o'clock call time for the rehearsal. Another run-through off-stage to get the timing set for the show. Lots of tech set-up going on all day. The roadies for "Bowling for Soup", the band for the show, were there setting up and doing a sound-check. The band ended up not even making it for dress rehearsal. It was still too windy in Aspen for planes to land, so they were sent back to Denver and had to take a bus. After lunch, one last tech run-through to make sure everything was going to run smoothly for the show. We went back to the hotel to get showered and changed, then back for make-up call at 8:00. The show went really well... from what we could tell. We didn't have a monitor in the green room, but got updates from each of the comics as they came back. HBO hosted the after-party, which was a blast. How could it not be, though, when HBO is picking up the tab.

USCAF - Day Two

Andy and took an early shuttle into town with the plan of getting some coffee and walking around Aspen for a bit. We got some coffee, but it was crazy cold, snowing, and windy... so we skipped the walking around part. Our first rehearsal started at 1:00. The first thing we did was shoot some outside shots of the group walking around Aspen. Once we finished with that, Natisha, the producer of the show, gave us the show order, and we ran through our sets. Nothing is more uncomfortable than telling jokes in front of a group of comics. We are notoriously bad audiences... especially in a situation that doesn't even resemble a comedy club or show of any sort. After the rehearsal, we shot some interviews, then dinner with the group, then went to see another show. We saw Michael Showalter from "Stella" and "The State"... and Mary Lynn Rajskub from "24". They were both doing a show that was less like stand-up, and more like a one-person show... but still very funny. Long day tomorrow... save the partying for another night.

USCAF - Day One

I guess I'll start at the beginning. Last Wednesday, I went to HBO's U.S. Comedy Arts Festival to perform on a show for Comcast. Most comics who perform at USCAF have to find their own way to Aspen, find a place to stay on their own, and pay for their own food. No one told Comcast this... and I wasn't about to either. We were flown there, put up in an amazing hotel, and every meal was covered for the entire trip. There were 9 other comics who would also be performing on this show. We were all flown into Denver International Airport. A flight directly into Aspen would have been nice, but also would have been pointless. Most of Colorado was getting hammered by a snow storm and flights into Aspen were being redirected to Denver anyway. So, in Denver, I met up with my friend and writing partner Andy Hendrickson, and we got on a bus with the other comics and a couple of representatives from Comcast. About 6 1/2 hours later, we finally rolled into Aspen. It had been a long, long day of travel that had started nearly 12 hours earlier... but we had finally arrived in Aspen... or as comedians call it, Mecca. I checked into my hotel room, and found it to be about two thirds the square footage of my own house.

After dinner at the hotel, we jumped on the shuttle into town. On the shuttle, we did what comedians normally do together... act like morons. Luckily, one man's "moronic behavior" is another man's "funny"... and in the process, we met a development exec from ABC. She reads scripts for ABC and said she'd love to take a look at our spec script. I promised to drop it by her hotel that night. I'm pretty sure nothing will come out of it... but it was nice to finally hand off a copy of the script.

We stopped into the St. Regis Hotel, one of the hot spots for the festival, to see what we could see... and ran into Matt Komen, a guy I've known for a few months now. I'm not even sure what exactly Matt does in the industry... but when a large group of comics gather, he always seems to be there. This was no exception. He was with a booker from the California Improvs, and an owner of some of the Florida Improvs, who he introduced to Andy and I. At this point, even if we turned around and went home right then, it had already been a successful trip. But we didn't have to go home just yet. We went downstairs, and talked our way into one of the stand-up showcases. This was pretty easy to do because as far as the festival was concerned, we were "artists". Nice. The comics on the showcase were good, but I didn't feel like we were out-gunned. I felt like we deserved to be there.

After the showcase, we went upstairs to do the other thing comedians do when they're together... drink. As we walked up to the bar, we realized that we were standing right next to Stephen Wright, a comic legend. He was performing at the festival also. It appeared like he wasn't being served... probably because he more than slightly resembled a homeless man. He got his drink and so did we, and we talked to him for a few minutes. He was very down to earth. Quiet... but not abnormally so, as you might expect from his onstage persona. After a couple of quick pictures with him, we went back to the hotel for the night.

Houston... everything's fine.

I just finished up another amazing week at The Improv in Washington, DC. It's always the best week of my year. This is not to say that I don't enjoy the other clubs that I work at... I really do... but DC is so incredible, it stands out. It would be like if, for your job, you flew a commuter flight from Saginaw, MI, to Toledo, OH. Then, one week a year, you got to fly the Space Shuttle to the moon. That's what working at the DC Improv is like. The staff is incredible, the audiences are amazing, and I'm always at my best.

Almost every week on the road, I'm working with a headliner I've never met before... and I like to try and find something in common with them. This week, I had the opportunity to work with Jake Johanssen. He actually holds the record for the most number of appearances on the David Letterman show by a stand-up comic. I hold the record for the least number of appearances on the Letterman show. That's what we have in common.

Here I am with Jake and our MC for the week, Ben Isaac. He works at NPR in DC and does some spot-on impressions of the NPR on-air personalities.

HBO's U.S. Comedy Arts Festival

Trust me... I can't believe it either. As much as you can't believe, I'm exponentially more disbelieving.

But enough of the oneupmanship. I'm going to Aspen. I'll be performing Friday, March 2nd at 10:30.

More on this later.

A Bag of Jokes...

Stand-up comedy is sometimes described using the analogy of a comic traveling from town to town with our little bag of jokes. I don't particularly like this analogy because of its somewhat Willy Loman-esque connotation. I realized this past weekend, though, that I may have to accept it. I worked at The Comedy Cellar at Snowshoe Mountain with my good friend Andy Hendrickson. While sitting on the couch of our condo for the weekend, I happened to look over at the coffee table, and saw what appeared to be a Ziploc bag with lots of small sheets of paper. My eyes must be fooling me. It just couldn't possibly be an actual bag of jokes... but it was indeed. At first, I thought that maybe we'd been the lucky recipients of a visit from the joke fairy... aka Santa Ha Ha. But he only comes on even numbered years... so that certainly wasn't the case. It turns out that it was literally a bag of jokes... Andy's bag of jokes. After some questioning, I found out that he doesn't just travel with one bag, but multiple bags. One bag for new jokes, one bag for old jokes, and one bag for salsa recipes. Half as funny, four times as tasty.

The weekend also included watching DJ Jazzy Jeff lay down the funk after our own show on Saturday.

What kind?

Hmmm.... maybe let me know when the good ones are on sale.

Rubik's Mini

The Rubik's Cube seems to be making a comeback, and I for one am all for it... because now it won't seem so weird for me to announce in the middle of completely unrelated conversations, that I can, indeed, solve the Rubik's Cube. Suddenly my apparent ego is culturally relevant. Solving the cube used to be a rare skill... used to be. Now with the introduction of the Rubik's Mini, any idiot human or moderately intelligent primate will be able to make that claim. They'll know the truth... especially the primates... but that won't stop them from proclaiming away.

Now don't get me wrong... I do not begrudge the Rubik's company for expanding the product line... I don't. They've done it before with great success. If you remember 1984, you certainly remember the introduction of the 4x4 cube... Rubik's Revenge. Shortly thereafter, the 5x5... the Professor's Cube. "The Prof", as I used to call it, was to nerds in 1986 what the cell phone is to normal humans today. "Keys... wallet... the Prof. I'm ready to go." Those two variations were both great puzzles... but they were great because they were more difficult than the original... not less. Obviously no one wants a 6x6 cube (duh... that would be ridiculous), so the pendulum has swung almost completely in the other direction. The 2x2... Rubik's Mini. Sure... we all know it looks easy... but let me try to really put it into perspective for you. The original Rubik's Cube had 43 trillion possible permutations... give or take. The Rubik's Mini can be solved in a maximum of 11 turns. Maximum. It has to be a joke. I pray that everyone at the Rubik's company is having a big laugh over it... because the other possibility is somewhat frightening. This other possibility is that maybe... just maybe... the Rubik's Cube is a guage of human intelligence at the time... a cultural intellectual barometer if you will. The parallels are kind of creepy.

1980 - Original Rubik's Cube is introduced.
1980 - Voyager I sends the first high resolution photos of Saturn back to Earth.

1986 - The Rubik's Professor is introduced.
1986 - IBM introduces the first laptop computer.

2005 - The Rubik's Mini is introduced.
2005 - The Kansas State School Board decides that evolution will no longer be considered scientific fact, but rather just a "theory".


I can't wait for the 1x1 cube... the Rubik's Insult. No need to fire up the brain cells... it's already solved.

I don't know... and I never will

Usually, I feel that if I don't know the answer to a question, I can probably do some research and figure it out. I've been proven wrong. I was behind a couple of girls today when I heard one ask the other, "What kind of pimpin' is that?" Not only did I have no idea what kind of pimpin' that was... I'm certain that no amount of time spent at the library will provide me with the answer.

Universe: 1
Ego: 0

Back to the lab nerds...

Sometimes technology is just not ready to be unleashed on the public. One such technology are the ads that accompany online news articles. A computer program goes through the article... pulls out a couple of key words... then assigns a supposedly appropriate advertisement to go alongside the article. Unfortunately in this case of a girl drinking turpentine to force an abortion, the computer thought the most appropriate ad, would of course be for turpentine... nature's solvent. Interesting choice of words.

Cap City - Austin, TX

I had a great week in Austin with Maria Bamford. She's an amazing comic... and in very rare company... she's recorded two "Comedy Central Presents" episodes. One is impressive... two means you can go ahead and quit the day job.

www.mariabamford.com

Hey... I'm an Idiot!

I was just published in another collection of jokes. This time, a new author... and by author, I mean the dude who asked me if he could reprint my jokes. As always, I get nothing from this except a new line on my resume... which is good enough for me.

I guess being published in "The Idiot's Guide to Jokes" is a lot better than being published in "The Guide to Idiot Jokes". Everyone that saw that one coming, please raise your hand.

Team USA

The cover story of Chess Life Magazine this month is the USA Team Player of the Year... Ildar Ibragimov. I think I grew up with Ildar. Many is the time we'd be riding bikes and playing football in Ildar's backyard in Anytown, USA. We'd get hungry and run into his house to see if his Mom had a snack. I remember it so clearly... "Mrs. Ibragimov! Mrs Ibragimov! Can we have some cookies?" And Mrs. Ibragimov would always have fresh cookies. Oatmeal cookies of course... because you wouldn't want a couple of good ol' American kids like Tony and Ildar eating unhealthy snacks.

Survey says... nobody cares.

I received an e-mail today with this banner at the bottom:




Listen to me people... and listen to me good. Not one single person on this earth gives even the remotest crap about how long you've been breastfeeding your kid. Not one. So to advertise it on every single e-mail you send out is not cute, it's not even funny... it's just plain creepy. And not a little bit... a lot of bit. Breastfeeding is essentially a bodily function... and I wouldn't send you a banner ticking off the time since my last dooty. So please keep that information between you and whoever will buy your breast pump off eBay.

This really might be my biggest problem with humans right now. Having a baby is special... but it's only special for the two people involved with creating it. As for the other 6 billion people on the planet, let me speak for us all by saying "we don't care." Enjoy the special moments... the first steps, the first "big people food"... enjoy it... I'm sure it's very exciting. But please... please leave the rest of us out of it. Otherwise, we have to summon the energy to pretend like we care... and we truly do not.

Incidentally, when you go to lilypie.com to create your own "breastfeeding ticker", you have to put in the date you started breastfeeding... from pull-down menus. The pull-down menu for "year" goes back to 1991. Again, just plain creepy.

Treating my body like a temple...

When I'm on the road, my eating schedule gets a little odd. I get up late, eat a late breakfast, a late lunch, and then don't eat dinner until after the show. Depending on the city, your options can be extremely limited at one in the morning. This week was one of those times. At about 1:30, Matt Bergman and I were in a Quicky-Mart loading up. As I was getting ready to pay, Matt walks up the counter and says, "Look at you being all healthy." I had to look down and make sure that I hadn't accidentally picked up an apple and a couple of carrots. Nope... still doughnuts and cookies. But the cookies were oatmeal... which passes for a nutritious snack when you're 22. I miss being 22.

www.mattbergman.net

Mocha money.

These week in Youngstown, while working with Mike Green and Matt Bergman, I realized that you can tell a comic's place on the comedy totem pole by simply listening to them order at Starbucks. A headliner orders whatever he wants... he's like Marlon Brando at Spagos. The sky's the limit for this free-wheeling comedy superstar. Mocha skims, banana fraps, a blueberry scone... you can't put a price on happiness. The feature has to calm it down a bit. Grande regular coffee. Maybe if he's had a good week selling bumper stickers and beer coozies after the show, he can up the ante to a Venti Cafe Americano... but that's the last stop for the crazy train. This brings us to the third man in line... the MC. Tap water... no ice. Please don't spit in it. If he's lucky, we'll see an Exxon where he can get a coffee for himself.

New dates...

I've added some new dates to the calendar that I'm really excited about. First, I've been asked to perform at the Washington D.C. Comedy Festival. It's my first festival, so I'm looking forward to seeing some friends who are performing. My middle school buddy Rob Cantrell will be there, Andy Hendrickson... responsible for many of the road gigs I've been hired and fired from, and Ryan Conner... the funniest blogger I know.

After the festival, I'm back in DC the very next week at the Improv featuring for Brett Leake... a brilliant comic. Brett says he likes working with me because I'm "easy to follow". I don't know what that means, but I'm sure it's complimentary.

www.brettleake.com


I also booked a week at my very first home club... Cap City in Austin, TX. Austin's a great city with a legendary comedy club... and I'm truly honored to be asked to perform there... especially considering the number of times I defiled that stage as an open-mike comic. During the day, you can find me at Chuy's.

South Bend, Topeka, and the real O.C.

I was able to spend a week performing in South Bend, IN, with my good friend Andy Hendrickson and the legendary Carl LaBove. Carl has been in comedy as long as I've been alive... so it was great to hear his stories. I have my own story about Carl shopping for a toaster cover... but in the interest of his "outlaw" reputation, he's asked me to not retell it. (So just ask me after I've had a few drinks... it's hilarious.)

www.carllabove.com

www.andyhendrickson.com



After South Bend, I went to Topeka, KS, and worked with Jim Wiggins who, after 37 years on the road, just performed on his first Tonight Show. That means I have 33 more years before I can start complaining.

Following Topeka, it was on to Oklahoma City... or as Kenny Smith liked to call it... the real O.C.

Kenny is a comedy purist... and it's great to be around that type of comic. It makes you want to be better.. or it would if I wasn't such a purist myself. :-)

Letterman...

I had the opportunity to work with Eddie Brill this past weekend. Eddie is the warm-up comic for the Late Show with David Letterman, and more importantly, at least for me, he's the guy that books comedians for Letterman. The good news is that I had some great shows in front of him. The bad news is that he won't be plucking me from obscurity and putting me on Letterman anytime this week or next. He was a lot of fun to work with, though, and had some great road stories. Hopefully I'll get a chance to work with him again soon.

Late Night TV debut...

This past week, I worked at Snickerz in Ft. Wayne, IN. It's a great club, and the audiences liked me... which, incidentally, is what makes it a great club. On Thursday nights, though, they tape a show called Night Shift. It runs Sunday nights at 11:30 on Ft. Wayne's NBC affiliate, WISE 33. The show format is very similar to Leno or Letterman, except that instead of Tom Hanks as a guest, he had me. Much cooler I think. I'll try to post some video from the show on my website later on. Here's the club's website:

www.snickerzcomedy.com/

The First Amendment...

I'm a huge fan of the first amendment... or at least I used to be... until I gave the freedom of speech to anyone who wanted to post comments on my blog. There have been a few genuine comments, but a disproportionately large number of advertisements. What kind of marketing school failure do you have to be to think the best way to find your target audience is posting ads in the comments section of an obscure comedian's blog? So from this point forward... in this little corner of the internet, the first amendment applies solely to me. You still retain the rights afforded you by the other amendments... at least for now. No unreasonable search and seizure... no soldiers will be quartered in your house without your consent... but free speech is all mine. My apologies to anyone who found their true calling from the online gambling ads that were previously available in the comments portion of my October posts.

My least favorite phrase...

There's a phase that is being uttered thousands of times every day, all over this country. I've never heard it, but I know it's being said... and it is driving me insane. Here's the phrase... "No, I don't think I'll be needing cruise control." I don't think a single day goes by when I don't pass a guy, who then decides that as the proud owner of a Ford F-150 and a Dale Earnhardt sticker, he cannot stand idly by as a small man in an even smaller car passes him. Then he passes me and slows down again. It's 2005... we're well into the 21st century... probably 10 years away from flying our own personal hovercraft around... can we all just start getting cruise control on our vehicles? Please... I'm begging you.

New Book...

I've been published again! This is another joke collection from Judy Brown called "The Comedy Thesaurus." I think Judy must really like my Putt-Putt joke... this is the third book she's published it in. But I think more likely, she's less of a fan of the joke and more of a fan of copy and paste. The book should be available at your local Barnes & Noble. I don't make any money from them, so feel free to just stand in the aisle laughing and highlighting my jokes until a crowd has formed.